After the Visit.

Glad that I went back up to visit both my parents and my brother N.
I drove straight out the Assisted Living Community where my mother lives and together we drove up the mountain to see meet up with N. and visit Dad for Fathers Day.

Visiting Daddy requires to much taking in: that I find my self going on a little automatic and then getting in touch with feelings at a later time.

My father has lost quite a significent amount of weight and that was the big thing to take in . He looked so fragile and his memory seems to exist in the present. So if I had visited on Monday, he wouldn't remember the visit by Tuesday.

We rolled him out on a Wheeling bed out side / Mum fretted that he had lost his watch& N commented that we would find him another one. Dad can't read time anymore but N. always puts a new one on his wrist if it gets lost.

I'd say we had spent a good long 2 hrs up there and as we got up to leave ;I rubbed noses eskimo style with my father.

Walking into the Nursing facility it felt like being amongst souls who were waiting to just continue living or to die. Thats what hit me when i arrived back home. Old Age. Alzeimers, Dementia is a long drawn out death. How much he is aware of now : I don't know/ but can tell the difference with the medication.
I am wrestling with God. It is great that the creator of my understanding can handle an argument. All those years growning up with my father in rage i would think of all the terrible retributive things to happen to him that would make me feel better. That was my understandable thinking while a Teenager but now in my mid 40's / i hear my voice crying out, " Bu-bu but I didn't really mean it. I didn't really fucking really mean it. Please, please don't make him suffer".

I honestly say that I love my father even while acknowledging all of his past amibiguities.