Second Hand Smoke

This is a personal look into the 2nd hand effects of family,community,and historical Traumas especiall after 9/11 . The Journey is the Destination.

5.31.2005

What Would Emma Do?

What Would Emma Do?


*"I want freedom, the right to self-expression, everybody's right to beautiful, radiant things." *
Emma .Goldman : Living My life


I love this quote: " If I can't dance its not my revolution".


That’s right- WWED…
Emma being Emma Goldman: Anarchist, Feminist, Revolutionist and Agitator.
after having read her book “ Anarchism and other Essays”. I had discovered what I really needed the most was a Female Role Model. A Female Intercessiary of Sorts. The Female Side of Jesus of Nazereth/ or God/ Sophia .I’ve read numerous philosophies that point out the ideas of God having many children : Jesus of Nazereth, Muhammed , Bhudda , Martin Luther King and Malcom X, etc… So why can’t Emma be a daughter of God? So for some there is the Virgin of Guadalupe and so for me its Emma Goldman.



" We Americans claim to be a peace-loving people. We hate bloodshed; we are opposed to violence. Yet we go into spasms of joy over the possibility of projecting dynamite bombs from flying machines upon helpless citizens."
Emma Goldman : Circa early 1900's


Putting Humor aside:
I have been reading some about Oscar Romero and Liberation Theology/ Anarchy and Christianity.

over and out,
d

5.21.2005

Other Survivor Blogs

Calvin a Male Survivor of Sexual Abuse in Canada writes a very short blog however in one post he poses a very important question. “How Would You, as an Adult, Respond to Your Abuser? “ and Leah writes an excellent Survivor/Thriver Blog. I especially liked her write up about Harold Kushners Book: Honey and the Rock.

I have found that blogs written from the Angle of Ritual Abuse Survivor/Thrivor just doesn't seem to be around much on the net. Maybe I'm just not looking in the right places.
On the otherhand perhaps I'm just picky as I only seek blogs from R.A Survivors that have really done a lot of recovery work. Finding the R.A survivors in late stage recovery is extremely difficult to find.

Something quite awful hit the Ritual Abuse Survivor Movement and that was the backlash( False Memory Syndrome) . It is as if went underground, but didn't dissapear. This is not good. As for every R.A Survivor that calls either a local Crisis Line or Rape and Sexual Abuse Help Line or seeks Counseling it makes me question what kind of assistance is out there for them. Where are our Mental Health Communites presently standing on the issue?

d

5.13.2005

An Apology

I remember the time that one time N. had apoligized to me.
A very long time ago & before his descent into Drugs I had sat on his bed facing out the window.
Seeing and not seeing both realities at the same time. Feeling absolutly nothing- drained of emotional affect.
My brother kneeling in front of me crying, face red, the tears streaming down his face.
" I'm sorry - I'm sorry", he kept crying. N. My brother needs help and cannot stop himself but inorder to bury his pain he escalates his alcohol abuse in heavy drug use which in its own ironic twist escalates the abuse further and introduces other perpatrators into the picture.
Both carrying the Burdens into the rest of our lives.

When I had recently gone for a visit to Chattanooga, N had something about repression. I'd forgotten what it was. But it made me wonder if I exist in his Drug induced BlackOuts, which would mean that in some of the later incidences he would have no memories.

Memories thrown down the spriralling twisters of Black Outs-Black Holes of Memory.
Discarded Postcards that used to say," I was Here".



5.09.2005

The Empty Chair

Just 2 weeks ago I had watch a viewing of the video Documentary " The Empty Chair" ,
@ the local Peace and Justice Center sponcered by
TCASK . I thought it was an excellent movie. Especially for the classroom or a workshop setting as it was a moving process watching family members of the murdered arrive on different conclusions. Some became Death Penalty Advocates, Others believed in a A Spiritual Reconciliation, and others were still in process of working thru thier feelings, and finally there were those who became Anti-Death Penalty Advocates.
So I give this an Excellent thumbs up for Workshop Disscussion material.

My feeling toward the Death Penalty have changed over time and is also still a work in process. However I believe in the attempt to being open and not becoming a closed book. I write," attemp" because re-examing fast held beliefs is not an event in of itself: like all change , it takes a long term process and commitment to it. I believe it just starts with the willingness to admit other truths and viewpoints are relevant to personal examination.
I am also blessed with good friends and other support who support and encourage my various inquiries into questioning old assumptions.

They know who they are. :)

My Experiences of my own abuse history has colored so much of my values about the world.

Take for example:
Abu-Ali AbdurÕRahman.

I remember attending an informational session with his
legal team, spiritual advisor and amongst local anti-death penalty advocates.
This case had a deep impact on me as I had left with personal philosophical questions and reflections.
At the time I heard how severely and sadisticly abused that he was as a child. This was something that I could relate to.
Evidently one example was of a Family member of caregiver forcing him to eat Dog Feces.
I also have a same experience.

As N. My brother had on one occasion had forced my nose in a bowl of Dog Feces and on another occasion tried to force me to eat Dog Food.

At the time I was thinking on the line of how abused I had been but I had not commited any crimes let alone- Murder. On the other hand...
My brother had on one occasion attempted to stab someone while a Cabby in NYC in the 1970's nothing came of it though.

and as a 8 or 9 yr old I had tried to stab my brother with a kitchen knife
in order to get him to stop.
These Questions just don't go away for me; they just keep on nagging and are important to answer.


My life was an absolute Mess until I got the intervention that I needed and that took a long time in coming but did get intervention later in my life.


Mr.Abu-Ali has never had any kind of intervention regarding his abuse history. It certainly does't excuse him for his actions, however, I don't believe this man should get the Death Penalty.

Where would I be if I not had recieved any kind of theraputic interventions in my life.
I would be Dead. Probably by Suicide.

Intervention is the Key
but
Prevention: even better.
Other thoughts that the documentary brought up for me was one man who's Father had murdered and yet how he wonders if it is easier in society to be the son of a murdered man rather than the son of a murderer.
This statement had such an impact on me.
d.

5.03.2005

Buster is Daddy's Roomate.

Buster is Dad's Roomate.

What an intersting man he must be-
every man and woman in the Nursing home must be carriers of the most incredible personal histories woven into the historical fabric of the local and national fabric. Why is it that so many become forgotten so?
A pro football player in the 1940's. Went pro that is and also had made it to what was then
the same as the Play off's. Retired and bought his own Horse Farm in West Tennessee.
I had returned into Dad's room & Buster was sitting in his wheel chair with his one eye and one leg, but still a large boned man,"
Atta Girl" he said- as I walked in .....
hope this works out...

Daddy.

Returned for another visit to the family house to see my mother and then to visit my father up the mountain who is now in a nursing facility- then to spend the night with my brother N. living up in the house.
My mother is doing incredibly well for her age of 83- she has just had her eye surgery for cateracts and will be having another one in about two weeks. I 'd walked in the door and she was sitting in the wheel chair waiting . She had wanted me to notice the difference without her glasses and she said, "Do you notice anything different?" and I stooped down peering "No-Mummy I don't see any unusual" She has these soft grey-blue eyes that match her aging face. Debbie she says, " My glasses.. I'm not wearing my glasses anymore, she'd said excitedly to me.

She is so full of spunk.

Daddy is another story. It is hard as he's deteriorated much further . N has been so good and has assisted with his admittance to the Nursing home.
It will take a while to process this.Although I am glad that my father has a great Nurse and
Nursing Aide Ratio.
But there he was. sitting in his wheelchair unfortunetly with a very bad upper respitory infection-facing back out over looking the mountain incline. Very pretty or so I had imagine him doing so upon approaching.

But when we began our conversation he was actually watching the flys buzzing around the
the window pane.

My father engrossed in buzzing flys.
The same man who would beat my brother with a horses crop.

"Daddy's Monsters" , N would say.

Dad was very cold and we both put helped him put his cardigan on and got the Kleenex and
gave each one individually so he could blow his own nose.

What is it to forgive? I don't know. I haven't forgotten.
Perhaps it is really is more about time and choices, change and love.
I am searching.